Sophiya

every once in a while, people enter my life who i hope and feel will be a part of it for time to come, and whom, though i might have gotten to know them relatively well in a small period of time, i look forward to getting to know truly. Sophiya is one of those people.

i met Sophiya at a lunch/dinner get-together my first week in Pakistan. i remember being introduced to her and wanting to talk to her. so i introduced myself and kind-of followed her into the house with this intention. to tell the truth, she was a bit stand-offish at first. but if you know me, well, you know i don't back down until someone makes it clear to me i'm making them uncomfortable. and so i persisted. we chatted, about school, about her upcoming trip to the US on a fulbright and where she might end up in art school. i suggested she apply to yale (the fulbright works differently in pakistan--people are placed by the commission after they get the scholarship) and told her i would forward her some relevant information, as she'd not heard much, if anything, about their grad program. i did and that is where it all began. this act of interest in and concern for her, a stranger (as she described it later, though i never thought of it as such, really, until she had pointed it out) is where our friendship really began.

what followed from that email was an amazing month of pakistan, and an amazing month of getting to know a wonderful, beautiful and captivating person. chalo...

where to begin? Sophiya is too many things...

to begin, she's gorgeous and sexy, and aware of it. she has incredible eyes, and eyelashes from islamabad to mecca, which she bats on command to get her way. she has a natural confidence and allure that comes through in how she clutches her shawl, holds her cigarette, smiles, dances (brilliantly).

despite her stated ambivalence about being so, she's caring, attentive and concerned. she stops to talk to begging kids, she always asks someone's name when addressing her/him, even when the act is onconsequential in any other way than letting the person know she/he's actually being heard, she treats people with respect irrespective of their social standing, background, etc. even though she says she's grown numb to it, she's angry about those things in her society/culture/country that are unfair and abusive to women, children, the poor, etc. she's also a loyal, intuitive friend and was always willing to provide a shoulder.

and she's smart. and we all know i love smarties. she's creative, she's passionate and she's talented. and we all know i love talent, too, maybe even above smarts. well, actually, maybe that's not true. i prefer both. back to her.

she's not perfect either, and she's knows it. as much as she's working it in so many respects, she's also working on it. and her awareness of her imperfections make her that much more real and lovely to be around.

aside all that, however, there is one thing i cherish most about Sophiya: her openness and honesty. it surfaced most clearly to me in the following couple of instances (and to those of you who grew up on the east coast of the u.s., "couple" means "two," not "a few." damn will you go get your dictionary?).

pretty much from go, Sophiya and i argue(d) a lot. now anyone who knows me knows that 1. i cannot really make friends with people who won't engage me in honest and necessary arguments and 2. of all the things i am, "laid back" is most definitely not one of them. the latter point is important and relevant because she, on the other hand, is very laid back, except about the fact that i'm not. this was the springboard for our first argument, from which i got my first taste of Sophiya's honesty. i'll never forget the shock and esteem i felt the time we went hiking in the margalla hills, only the third time we'd hung out outside of rehearsal, and she said to me, "you know, you might want to think about getting that stick out of your ass and stop worrying about everything so much." naturally, i thought, "you're full of shit" and said so in more diplomatic terms. naturally, she wasn't. not entirely anyway. either way, i loved it.

this openness manifest itself also in Sophiya's reaction to my tendency to be intense and (maybe too openly) giving with people i don't know very well--something from which most people shy away atleast initially (this includes some of my now-best friends). in fact, she not only handled it, she appreciated and embraced it. it translates(d) into acts of vulnerability rare (and even absent) among so many interpersonal relationships i've had as an adult. for example, Sophiya made it clear to me in no uncertain terms that she would miss me, and just how much she appreciated my new presence in her life. quoting her (about my initial email, as it were), "who does that [with] someone they just met?" not many people. now most of you probably know i excel in this arena. in fact, i'm a pretty miserable person to be around when i feel untrusting of anyone. unlike most people, however, this didn't scare Sophiya; instead, she returned it. that's a big deal to me.

this stands out to me particularly because i've spent the last few years constantly hearing people tell me that putting faith in people i don't know well is misguided, naive, fickle, etc--and even more time feeling hurt by people who've failed (read: refused) to return that faith. some might even accuse me, in enjoying this about Sophiya, of rationalizing a behavior of my own that i see in someone else. and maybe it is, to an extent, those things. but that's ok. first, because it still does it for me. and second, because i truly believe the following.

it's also honest. and it's faithful and hopeful in a way that puts aside the fear of being taken advantage of, a fear many people allow to distort everything else in their life--because fear, when one lets it control things, will not allow anything to be prioritized before it. ultimately, to me, it's void of cynicism in a world increasingly defined by cynicism and increasingly resistant to acts of trust in interpersonal relations.

it's also refreshing. and so i leave pakistan feeling excited about this new person in my life and good about, well, myself, life and love.

so who does that? for one, Sophiya does.

thank you, Sophiya. i miss you (and plan on seeing you soon).

--jcm